Today at lunch, we somehow started to talk about what we misbehaved when we were at school. I talked about the accident about me breaking my classmate’s arm and the one about me wanting to punch a guy but ending up punching through the glass instead. Basically, everyone has similar experience about being involved in a fight (and of course everyone was innocent). Surprisingly, Yuan said he is ALWAYS a good boy (such a liar) except once. He peed on himself the first day in daycare since he cannot speak English. Everyone laughed. They said it sounded really sad but they still laughed. It is supposed to be funny but I just cannot laugh. I felt sad.
Ever since my mom and sister came to America, I knew the difficulties about conquering the language barrier. I can still remember that I have to call the bank and communicate with them from Taiwan just because dad cannot speak good English. My sister always ate lunch alone because no one wanted to talk to her. After I came to America for graduate school, I experience even more difficulties by myself. Although I was at the top when I was in Taiwan, and I speak good English, I still have to face the fact that I cannot understand what professors taught, not because of the content, but just simply because of their different accents. When everyone is learning new stuff, I have to learn it in a foreign language. I cannot understand what I should already know, and I even learn new stuff more slowly. It was frustrating. I am not who I was anymore. I was talkative and social but then I just kept my mouth shut. People described me as a quiet Chinese girl, a pushover, and a person without any thought. I tried to talk to people but it was hard. To continue a conversation, I have to first understand what other people said, and then say my own opinion before another person does which is nearly impossible since I cannot speak at a normal speed. The only two people I talked to in the class were Blair, my roommate, and Emily, my only friend. I started to feel self-conscious about my English. I always dream about my life in Taiwan, hanging out with friends in the library, talking about silly stuff but laughing, and just simply sitting in the class making fun of professors’ English (yes I know I was mean and now I get what I deserve).
I forgot when I started to change. Maybe it was the second semester. The fact that I survive through the Qual and the first semester slightly builds up my confidence. The class load is not that heavy in the second semester and I did not really start my research. It was relaxing. I moved in the new dorm with Irene and Arde in my second year. Since Emily’s gone, somehow I started to talk to Justin and we became friends. Irene and Justin used to drag me to go out. Although I rejected them a lot of times and I do enjoy staying home more, I started to enjoying going out with them and the feeling of having friends again. We became really close and we can talk about everything (yes, even the relationship problems!!!). Since then, I never feel the language barrier anymore. I still made up words and used the wrong grammar, but I can speak English at a full speed and they can understand 99.9% of it. I thought I would be happy ever after.
