唷喔! >w<

Today at lunch, we somehow started to talk about what we misbehaved when we were at school. I talked about the accident about me breaking my classmate’s arm and the one about me wanting to punch a guy but ending up punching through the glass instead. Basically, everyone has similar experience about being involved in a fight (and of course everyone was innocent). Surprisingly, Yuan said he is ALWAYS a good boy (such a liar) except once. He peed on himself the first day in daycare since he cannot speak English. Everyone laughed. They said it sounded really sad but they still laughed. It is supposed to be funny but I just cannot laugh. I felt sad.

Ever since my mom and sister came to America, I knew the difficulties about conquering the language barrier. I can still remember that I have to call the bank and communicate with them from Taiwan just because dad cannot speak good English. My sister always ate lunch alone because no one wanted to talk to her. After I came to America for graduate school, I experience even more difficulties by myself. Although I was at the top when I was in Taiwan, and I speak good English, I still have to face the fact that I cannot understand what professors taught, not because of the content, but just simply because of their different accents. When everyone is learning new stuff, I have to learn it in a foreign language. I cannot understand what I should already know, and I even learn new stuff more slowly. It was frustrating. I am not who I was anymore. I was talkative and social but then I just kept my mouth shut. People described me as a quiet Chinese girl, a pushover, and a person without any thought. I tried to talk to people but it was hard. To continue a conversation, I have to first understand what other people said, and then say my own opinion before another person does which is nearly impossible since I cannot speak at a normal speed. The only two people I talked to in the class were Blair, my roommate, and Emily, my only friend. I started to feel self-conscious about my English. I always dream about my life in Taiwan, hanging out with friends in the library, talking about silly stuff but laughing, and just simply sitting in the class making fun of professors’ English (yes I know I was mean and now I get what I deserve).

I forgot when I started to change. Maybe it was the second semester. The fact that I survive through the Qual and the first semester slightly builds up my confidence. The class load is not that heavy in the second semester and I did not really start my research. It was relaxing. I moved in the new dorm with Irene and Arde in my second year. Since Emily’s gone, somehow I started to talk to Justin and we became friends. Irene and Justin used to drag me to go out. Although I rejected them a lot of times and I do enjoy staying home more, I started to enjoying going out with them and the feeling of having friends again. We became really close and we can talk about everything (yes, even the relationship problems!!!). Since then, I never feel the language barrier anymore. I still made up words and used the wrong grammar, but I can speak English at a full speed and they can understand 99.9% of it. I thought I would be happy ever after.

Of course, life in MIT cannot be that easy. I left MIT for a four-month internship. I thought I would be fine. I can speak fluent English and most of my colleagues are friends with me before. I was wrong. Yuan was the one told me my English writing sucks. I was shocked. I know it’s not good but it should be ok. I still remember that he said it in such a hateful way that I almost cried in front of him. I started to be afraid of writing. No one ever taught me how to write in English before. The fact that I was the Chinese writing champion when I was in Taiwan is now just ironic. It is different to write in English and in Chinese. English writing should be precise and logic but Chinese writing is always emotional and flowery (at least my Chinese writing is). Once I have no confidence in my writing, I just cannot do it anymore. Especially when Yuan just yelled at me without telling me the reason it sucks. Other than writing, I have other issues at work. Even if I can speak fluent English, I don’t know most of the “common” terminology for Chemical Engineering. As consultants, we have to digest huge amount of knowledge in a short time. I have a more difficult time than others since I have to understand the English first, and the fact that I was doing computer-based projects just made it worse. People do not want to work with me because I do not have the ability to share the workload. I cried several times. I was the one that people always wanted to work with when I was in Taiwan. I was good at everything but I was nice to people. I just took care of everything because I was a perfectionist and cannot stand other people’s work. People here are not as nice. They are still your friends but they do not want to work with you. There is no such a thing as since you are my friend, I will take care of you. Everyone is in charge of taking care of their own work. This is just how America works. I cried in front of Justin one day at the beginning of the third project. I just wanted to quit practice school because I don’t want to work with people who do not want to work with me. I just don’t see the point of trying. Why even try? Just give up! I was tired.

Jaisree was the one told me the truth. People only do not want to work with me if the third person is a slacker since I cannot share 50% of the workload. She knew I tried my best and did what I can, but we are short in time and it is just stressful for the person doing the most work (I am sorry, Jaisrree and Yuan). She also told me that I cannot use my lack of ability to be an excuse. That’s when I started to remember that when I was in Taiwan, I always look down on people who do not their best. It just reminds me what I decided when I came to America. I want to be good. I want to be as good as everyone else in MIT, even better. I know it would be hard because I have to conquer the language barrier, but I also believe if I do my best, I will improve. No matter how long it would take, I will be at the position where I was in Taiwan. I have to be the one to support my family. I have to be good. And I want to. I really do. I would rather work hard than whine about my incapability. Nothing will change if I just sit here and whine. Nothing! I can go back to Taiwan at any point and be the no. 1 again but I already choose a different path. I paid so much for this choice and I am going to earn something back from it. Just like I can present as well as other native speakers do, I just need to spend more time to learn what I did not. It takes time, but that’s the time I’m willing to spend.

This is the third week of my third projects. Five more weeks to go and I can go back to MIT. I am much happier now because the project now is experiment-based and I am already familiar with most of the knowledge. I can finally share the workload!!! I do not know if this is an encouraging essay. I just want to tell everyone that it is hard to survive here. But I will. I will not pee on myself, just because I don’t know how to say bathroom.    

Acknowledgements

I want to thank Justin, who always comforts me when I am depressed and proofreads my English writing (He refused to correct this one though.). I want to thank Irene. Her existence just makes me happy. I want to ackowledge Emily for her super rational analysis about everything and she is always the one that calms me down. It is also great that I had Blair as my roommate in the first year. It is amazing that a girl like her is willing to help me and be my friend. Although she screwed me over several times and yelled at me, she is the one that taught me you have to speak for yourself (this is an important skill if you want to survive here). I appreciate the friendship from Jaisree. She is always honest but nice and considerate. I still feel sorry that I let her do most of the work. I want to thank all my friends and people who encourage me when I am sad and don’t know what to do. Last but not least, I want to acknowledge Yuan, my evil twin. The fact that he peed on himself motivates me to write down my experience. Without him, I think I will still make people do most of the work and people will secretly hate me without telling me.